Product Names and the Laundry Room Garbage

I bought a pair of pantyhose yesterday. I don't know what I was thinking. Wait, I do. My legs are not lovely suntan legs. They are white and freckly. Who made pantyhose anyway? Probably the same MAN that invented high heeled shoes.

The hose are a brand that has been around for a while, but the name struck me as funny: "No Nonsense." What does that mean? No nonsense when it comes to making your legs look tannish? No nonsense trying to make your tummy flatter? No nonsense because wearing panty hose is sensical? No nonsense because I make sure to use the bathroom before church so I don't have to go while I'm there and try to get those darn pantyhose up again without grunting in the women's bathroom? Really.

While I'm on the subject of weird product names, ponder on these names of deodrant:

Suave (bad cover-up), Secret (everyone does it), Ban (if only), Sure (of what exactly?), Dry Idea (but it's only an idea?), Lady Speed Stick (has nothing to do with b.o., could be a baseball bat for all we know), Degree (is there a certain degree at which you start perspiring and why don't they tell us), and one called Kiss My Face (because direction away from the armpit is needed).

Now, let's talk about happy meal toys. I cannot figure out why these toy makers think they are scoring points with parents when they include KAZOOS in their happy meals!!!! Or toys that repeat the same sound over and over and over and over again. Stupid Shrek Pinocchio character: "I'll never be a real boy!" Toymakers need to consider that these meals are often purchased while on road trips. I refuse to take that kind of punishment and despite my passion for recycling anything, I will just toss these toys into the garbage with no remorse whatsoever.

I can't figure out if the latest toy from a happy meal is good or bad or just plain worthless. CD's with music and dancing instructions from "So, You Think You Can Dance." My mind goes blank. That must mean it's worthless. I can't even think of a wise crack about it because it's just plain dumb. These CDs will be a great addition to the CDs I have hanging in my garden to scare off the birds. Yes, I'm psycho and that will be the subject of a different post. Then there was the microphone that came with the American Idol Happy Meal and the small radio that played the same snippet of the same annoying song. That was a year ago - and I still remember the tune.

It's a good thing my kids never check the laundry room garbage can.

Best happy meal toy award goes to Wendy's. A year ago they put Magic Treehouse books on CD's in the meals. Two thumbs up from me!

I Couldn't Have Known. . .

Before marriage, a women tends to wonder if the man she is dating will be a good husband and father. The only thing she has to base this on is her experience with her father and other male influences. There are all sorts of ambiguous qualifications for a future husband and father of her children: must have sense of humor, must be kind, must communicate well, must like children, must like Star Wars, etc., etc. I don't know how many lists like this I made with girlfriends in high school and college ranging from extremely specific to roll-your-eyes silly. I suppose it's OK to be ambiguous because there's at least a little direction, plus there really is no other option because how can a woman really know what bringing a new baby into the world will do to her and her husband until it happens. For instance:

I couldn't have known. . . how wonderfully involved Mark would be in taking care of basic baby needs: changing diapers, feeding, rocking to sleep, cleaning up throw up, sucking snot out with the blue bobble of death, bathing.

I couldn't have known . . . the powerful feelings that come when I watch Mark teaching our boys correct principles and morals.

I couldn't have known. . . that Mark would not talk down to the boys, but maintain the same vocabulary with them that he does with his clients (though maybe a little less about C-corps and S-corps).

I couldn't have known . . . the utter joy of a whole family laughing together - even over bodily functions!

I couldn't have known . . . how passionately Mark feels about providing the necessities for his family, but not overindulging.

I couldn't have known. . . how much of his happiness comes from opening the door after coming home from work to boys ready to be with him.

I couldn't have known. . . the look on Mark's face when one of our sons touches his heart in some way or another.

There are so many other wonderful things I've discovered about Mark while parenting with him!

I realize of course that there is a flip side to this and that there are a lot of things that we couldn't have known that lead to spouse and parental hardship and we are not immune to these. But the hardships are tempered with the wonderful surprises which makes us fulfilled. I am not saying that I have the best husband in all the world, who is the best father in all the world (there is only One of those). But, he is the best for me and the best for our children and I don't compare him to others, because you have the best for you (hopefully).

Thanks for being the best Dad for our three boys, Mark!

Dinner Converstaion

We were invited over to our neighbor's home for dinner tonight. What a lovely thing. I love having good conversation over food. She prepared a delicious meal and dessert. Over dessert, D.J. decides to contribute to the conversation. Let it be noted that we were having brownies.

"When James was little he had diarrhea and pooped all over the bathroom floor."

End of conversation. All conversation.

They laughed. Whew!

We had to explain to them that the kids were asking us about funny stories when they were little. We would tell them one and they would ask for more. We were getting desperate for funny stories, so we started in on the throw up and poop stories. They are funny now. Not then. I guess D.J. wanted to make everyone laugh. He did.

When it Comes to Literacy, I Lose All Dignity

Here is the real reason I closed off my blog to the general public: I am a wacko and I'm only comfortable with people who already know just how wacko I am viewing these pictures. Not really. I love to make anyone smile. As I posted on my Facebook page last week, I lose all sense of dignity when I read to children and when I can make adults crack a smile and lose a little dignity, that's even better. So I hope this makes you smile!

Every month at our elementary school I read to every class in the school. I select a theme and read books on that theme according to grade level. I usually dress up as someone from a lower grade book, because they think it's really great. The older kids think I'm a little wacko, but they get excited to see me every month because I do voices. A lot of the kids check out books that I've read, so I consider my mission accomplished!

Mystery month: Nate the Great

Nature month: The Tiny Seed

History month: Betsy Ross (reading "So, You Want to be President?)

Series month: If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. . .

Giving month: The Giving Tree

Thankful I can read month: Amelia Bedelia

Books make me curious: Curious George

I'm ready for vacation month: Click, Clack Moo, Cows That Type

The good news is I get to do it next year too!

Cashiers and Checkers

I think cashiers and checkers are highly entertaining. Here are a few of my favorite:

When we lived in Sugarhouse a million years ago, we frequented Harmon's. There was a lady there that I think did not use eye make-up remover. The bottom layer of mascara was probably applied in 1979 and added to daily. She got the effect she was looking for though: stunning. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

At our local grocery store, we have some characters. There used to be a cashier there that I loved because he would always do impersonations of cartoon characters for my kids: Scooby-Doo, Shaggy, Casper the friendly ghost, Star Wars characters, etc. The baggers (teenagers) would just roll their eyes and wish their shift to be over, but I loved it.

Another from the local store has this amazing ability to spout rapid-fire random information while scanning UPC's. And I mean random - anything from how to ripen peaches, to the voice of cartoons being the same man, to how the vendors deliver food. And I mean rapid-fire. That's really the amazing part. Again, the baggers (teenagers) act like this is punishment for being late to work.

My favorite checker is at Smith's. He has afro-like hair, and seems genuinely interested in how my day is going. He makes sure I get good sales and that I use my coupons at the right time. I don't know why he works there but he takes pleasure in every customer and I can appreciate that.

Last week I went to Michael's to purchase a plain white t-shirt for $2.50. The cashier had scanned the UPC and she said, "That will be $90." I jerked my head up in surprise (because not even Tommy Hilfiger shirts are that much - I think - I've never bought one) she looked at me with a straight face and then started laughing. Then I started laughing and couldn't stop! She apologized and said that she really shouldn't do that. I said probably not, but I hadn't laughed all day until then!

Refrigerator Word Searches

I'm one of those Mom's that has a messy refrigerator. It's full of magnets, school notes and most importantly my to-do list because the frig is the place I frequent the most. You may think that is sad, but I think I'm making delicious meals for my family. I like my messy and colorful frig. It means home to me but also represents many of our vacations spots in the form of magnets.

For a long while I took the alphabet letters down because they were being scattered all over the kitchen floor and nobody but me bothered to pick them up. When I have small children come over though, I get them out again because they provide great entertainment, though it's still me picking up the mess (glutton for punishment that I am).

Last time though the boys decided to make a word search out of them. Mostly there are family names. See if you can find these names in the first one: Mark, Lisa, Spencer, James and DJ.

Here is your list for the second one (names of cousins who had just visited, OK this is from December I'm realizing): Mason, Sam, Miles, Ryan, Wendy, I think Wade was in there but the perpetrator scattered a few letters.

This Is a Warning

Just wanted to let you know that this is one of those blogs where you will have to sign in to read. We discovered that someone copied a picture from my blog to put on their own. It was only a picture of one of my cakes, but now I'm freaked out enough about wacko people copying pictures of my boys. I should have done this long ago (should have listened to Mark- you were/are right, dear). So, sorry if this is inconvenient. I will leave it unlocked or whatever for a little while longer just in case you read this blog and I didn't send you an invite because I don't have your email address. If you would like an invite, leave a comment.