I Need a Voice Job

There are some mothers my age. . . well, women of all ages really, who are tempted by, or have given into the temptation, of plastic surgery in the chest region (I am not afraid to say it, I just don't want sickos on my blog). I am not one of those women. On popular make-over shows, people are asked, if they could change one thing about their body, what would it be? The thighs, the nose, the hair, the chest, the lips, the forehead, the belly and on and on. I am not one of those women either.

I want a voice job.

Here's why: for the past week, I have asked my children to do various things, as Moms tend to do. But it's been very noticeable that I've had to ask them to do it at least three times before they do it, or before I lose my mind (maybe I need a mind job). Here's an example from the other day: We were driving home from school. There are many coats and backpacks on the floorboard in front of their seats. As we pull into the garage I say, "Please take your coats and back packs in the house." I turn off the van and open the door to unbuckle James. With the door open, I see the boys standing on top of their coats and back packs. I say, "Please take your coats and back packs in the house. They jump out of the van and head for the door, at which point I had to alter my voice: "TAKE YOUR COATS AND BACKPACKS IN THE HOUSE!"

So, I figure if I change my voice they will listen the first time. Or at least that's the hope. Mark thinks I should change my voice to sound like Darth Vader: "Spencer, I am your mother, take your coat in the house! (Heavy breathing)." My Mom thinks I should change to a princess voice: "Someday my D.J. will come and pick up his coat!" I know there is a voice changer storm trooper helmet. I could just wear that. With a good blaster at my side (a la Han Solo) and a storm trooper helmet they might listen. Plus, I could rule the galaxy. I should just have a voice changer implanted so I can change every day, that might get their attention. One day I could be Alvin chipmunk, they next James Earl Jones. The Crocodile Hunter one day the next day Kermit the Frog. They's probably listen if I changed my voice to Dan the Bakugan brawler, but I do have some limits.

I don't need liposuction to feel good about myself, I need my sanity.